Sticky Situations

Since the age of 4, when, in preschool, a girl named Jenny asked me to wake her up from naptime by tapping my penis on her forehead "the way daddy does,"

I think I've become some kind of metaphysically creepy-random-comments-from-girls magnet. Here's a few examples.

7th Grade:
The very first week of school.

Girl: You have a penis, right?
Me: Uhm, yeah. Why?
Girl: So, if you hold it straight out, you can make it look like a exclamation point, right?
Me: Uh...sure...
Girl: And if you kindof curve it, it'll look like a question mark, right?
Me: Theoretically-
Girl: But only I can do a period!
And with that, she yanked up her skirt to show me her blood-stained panties.

This blew my little 13-year-old mind.

It both turned me on and freaked me out at the same time. Later this girl got suspended from school. Apparantly she was so excited to be the first in her class to have a period, she ran into the middle of the boys' dodgeball game, and whipped off her shorts so they could all get a good look. A lot of balls instantly dropped, and not just those of the dodging variety.

9th grade:
My first sexual experience that actually involved nudity. While we're fondling each other, she asks me if I like Diet Coke.

Me: It's allright.
Girl: Well, I LOVE it. How 'bout you go get me a bottle of it?

I go downstairs and grab a 20 ounce bottle from the fridge. When I return, she says it's too cold.

Girl: How 'bout warming it up...by rubbing it on my tits?

So I began to rub her vigorously with the bottle. Soon enough, she asks me to shove it inside of her. She really enjoys it, and so do I because I KNOW that, with this girl, I'm definantly going to get off. That's when it gets crazy.

She rips out the bottle, opens it, and begins filling her vagina with Diet Coke. I swear, she nearly empties the volume into her vagina. I had seriously underestimated this vagina's liquid retention volume.

Girl: YOU LIKE DIET COKE?!?!?!? OH YEAH OH YEAH DRINK IT FROM ME!

I was noticebly freaked me, but I did want to get off, and I didn't want my first load-blow to be into 18.7 fluid ounces of a 0-calorie beverage. I began to go down on her, until she said the exact wrong thing.

Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

I don't know how she did it with 16-year-old voice, but she sounded exactly like the Kool-Aid man from the commercials. I glanced at the wall, half-expecting him to burst through and over me a fruity beverage.

I was extremely turned-off.

She could tell, too. As she sat up to see what was wrong, she twisted her body in such a way that Diet Coke shot out of her vagina and all over my face, chest, and groin.


And it was at that sticky, low-calorie moment that my parents chose to pull into the driveway.