Man VS. Machine

Today I was awakened by the sound of my cell phones aweful ringtone. Who the fuck could be calling me at 8am on a sunday? Fuck. It was my girlfriend.

Her:Are you awake?

Me:No this is my voicemail.

Her:Oh ok well ill call back... Hey stop fucking with me.

Me:Sure. What the fuck do you want?

Her: I have a 102 fever. I need a ride to the ER.

Me: Call me when it hits 104 and let me know how you feel

Her: they might give me some more vicodin


me: ...i guess we can go.... be there in 45 minutes

Her:thanks I love you bye.

Me: damn it

FUCK! Now im in this Making-me-get-up-at-8-o'fucking-clock-on-a-fuckin-saturday-while-I-should-be-sleeping-not-driving-your-ass-to-the-fucking-ER mood.

I throw on the shirt and pants that I wore the day before and slaped on my Converse that are falling apart and went to my 1984 Chevy Celebrity and fired her up. At least I tried to fire her up. Battery is dead. FUCK!

I arrived at my girlfriends 20 minutes late. She still wasnt ready and needed 20 more minutes to do her make up

. She comes out looking like shes going to the fucking prom or some shit.

Me:What the fuck took you so long!

Her:Oh I'm late?

Me:I said 45 fucking minutes. I was 20 minutes late. You are 20 minutes late from
the minute I got here. Thats 40 minutes late. And what the fuck are you wearing?

Her:I dont like to go out without make up and Im...*BARF*

Me:O hell mother fucking no you just puked. Fuck. Ok get out of the car , wait... first clean this up.

Her:Ok.
*20 min later*
Mek Lets get this cluster-fuck underway.

It is now 1:45. I havent had a coffee or a blunt yet. I am now cranky. I am now at the hospital.
Me:Do they have a coffee

Her:Yeah in the snack room.

Me:great Check yourself in. I needs me some java

Her:Thats fine.

I find my way through the maze that this hospital is and discover the coveted snack room. Ahh I can smell the coffee machine from here.

Some asshole bought 3 coffees which kept me 5 more mintues from my coffee and swisher

. But now it was there for me to use.

All mine. All I had was 3.00$ but thats enough. Large are 60Cents.
I put in my dollar, select size, strength, and type.Large 3x French Roast vanilla.

The cup falls, the machine whirrs and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

Me: Hey wheres my coffee? YOU PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD!

Now im pissed. I put in another dollar taking my total ammount of cash to 1.80$ This time the coffee comes out and its all gravy. As Im leaving I spot TGIFridays brand potato skins.

You have to understand that I love these tasty litte things. 1.00$. Perfect. I put in the dollar and selected the right code and the little prongs spun. I remember thinking I was lucky because it was the last one in the machine. The prongs stopped spinning and I looked down to see the skins hit bottom. Nothing. Nothing fell at all.Hulk smash!

I wish i was the Hulk because I would've destroyed the snack room instead of putting a big ass piece of glass in my foot. I got so pissed at the machine that I shook it violently and kicked it. I guess I dont know my own strengths because my foot went right through the 1/8th inch thick glass with ease. And the glass went into the webbing of my toes with ease too. Ill never buy converse again.

At this point in my life I wanted two things. Percocet and a smoke. I took my coffee and took the bag of chips along with several other items and sat in the chair across from the machine that had just raped me and I half destroyed. I was thinking about how much my foot hurt while I lit up a
smoke in the hospital. I of course only thought this for a few seconds because the vending machine fell forward, almost crushing me. At this point a male nurse, 24, 6'2'', 220lbs, comes in and starts asking a bunch of questions until he sees my foot. The hospital was nice enough to fix my foot before "removing me from the facility for disorderly conduct". But the day was mine in my eyes. Machine should never fuck with man. Especially not this man.


Man: 1
Machine 0