Before you say, "Gee Mustynutz, why are you such an nice guy, LOLZ!" please, I pray you, give me a chance to explain:
If I were to have a question in the medical field, I would ask a doctor, nurse, or at least a janitor at a medical facility, not an Drunk/Bartender/Pothead....If I had a question about a problem with my car, I would ask an Auto-Mechanic, Body/Paint Specialist, or at the very least a dyke in leather.. not an imaginary internet personality
Are you starting to see a connection here?
Apparently the people that have come to befriend me, have naught this sense of intuition. I know this because regardless of the amount of crippling advice I offer, in a lame attempt to stop the incessant barrage of ridiculous questioning, much like a burning case of the crabs, they just keep coming back.
Now, I would just say, "I have no idea, maybe you should ask someone that is in that field", but that would be admitting lack of knowledge, and that's a road I am not fond of traveling down. The words, "I don't know" have never escaped these full, luscious lips that ladies love
I would like to share with you a couple examples of really bad advice I have offered those unfortunate enough to seek my council:
Example 1:
John: Musty, my girlfriend is...
Me: Punch her.
John: You haven't even heard what I was going to say.
Me: Ok, continue.
John: My girlfriend hasn't been coming home at night. She is constantly getting calls and visitors at all hours. When I ask her what is going on she tells me to stop tripping, and laughs with her friends on the phone when she tells them about it whilst giving me dirty looks.
Me: And, is that it?
John: Yeah.
Me: I was wrong with my initial reaction.
John: Oh, so what should I do?
Me: Well, the way I see it, you need two things at this point. An '82 Fleetwood brougham, a shovel, some hefty bags and a damn good lawyer.
John: What?
Me: Trust me, get those and meet me at your house in a half hour.
I haven't seen or heard from John since that phone conversation. Moral: Don't ask the biggest smartss on the net
for relationship advice
Example 2:
Jenny: Musty, I've been receiving some complaints about the smell of my...you know, down there, what can I do?
Me: That's disgusting....you fucking warthog
Jenny: Come on, please just tell me what I should do.
Me: Ok, here's what you do. Get to the Adult Playroom on Market St., and find the biggest, black, oscillating, vibrating,double headed dildo money can buy.
Jenny: What? Why?
Me: Because after I tell everyone on Facebook,Myspace,Twitter,Yahoo and AIM, and many many chat lines that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
I haven't heard back from her yet either, but I think the moral was well taken. Moral: Don't tell Musty about your smelly genatalia, go see a doctor.
Example 3:
Jimmy: Musty, I know this is going to sound weird, but I was getting a blowjob earlier, and I forgot to tell my girlfriend that I was about to splooge. Long story short, I jizzed in her eye, and it's been all red and nasty ever since. What can I do.
Me: Bring her over right away.
Jimmy: Why, what are you going to do?
Me: I'm going to have her reenact the events that led up to the accident and recreate the crime scene in order to obtain a better solution
Jimmy: Yeah, and then what?
Me: the very least I can do is shoot some child chum in the other eye to balance things out.....
Jimmy: WHAT !?!?!?
Me: Yeah, I would just hate to have my girlfriend walking around looking all asymmetrical like that....you need balance in life, harmony...
They didn't come over, but they too had a lesson to learn.
Moral: Unless you are offering the services of your girlfriend, don't call me with details of your latest follies in fellatio.
Example 4:
Derek: Hey Musty, my car has been making this god awful clicking sound whenever I start the motor, and yesterday it started smoking on the way home.
Me: When was the last time you changed your oil?
Derek: Uh, well, they usually send me a letter when it gets to be that time...um...i dont know
Me: Did you go to the post office and have your mail forwarded when you moved ?
Derek: Oh SHIT...No !
Me: You moved over a year ago.
Derek: Yeah I know, damn
Me: It's cool, here's what you do, fill up a liter bottle with urine, and dump it in the oil tank using a funnel.
Derek: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, it's sort of like the coolant tank, you can get by for a while with just putting water in it instead of adding pure oil.
Derek: Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
I haven't talked to him in a while, but I did see him driving a new car yesterday, the strangest thing is, he was flipping me off. I guess some people just have no appreciation. Moral: I don't give a shit about your car.
Example 5:
Leah: Musty, my boyfriend is drunk again and he just smacked me in the side of my face with a sack full of nickels and called me stupid bitch... What should I do?
Me: What? Get the fuck out of there and leave him.
Leah: *sigh* I can't just leave him, it's more complicated than that.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? He just hit you right?
Leah: Yeah...but I love him, and he promised not to hit me again...
Me:....ditch his ass, NOW
Leah: But, I think he's just going through a tough time, and maybe if I stick around he will get better. I can change him.
Me: Oh, well why didn't you just say that in the first place.
Leah: Yeah, it just slipped my mind, you know, head trauma, concussions and the hemorraging and all.
Me: Right on, well, it looks like you have this one all wrapped up and you don't actually need any advice...glad I could help !
Leah: Yeah I guess I'm OK- wait, OH GOD!! EARL, NO STOP *smash* IM SORRY...OUCH NO DONT..YOUR GONNA KILL... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Moral: She was a fucking retard, don't be one of those because they aren't very smart. Remeber...What do you tell a woman with two black eyes....?
NOTHING, SHE'S BEEN TOLD TWICE ALREADY....
THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY
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