I just recently bought a house that was rented out to two lesbians before me. They trashed the place and I'm still cleaning up and fixing things that they screwed up.
I know what you're thinking-- two lesbians so wild for each other that they made hot love every day and night, resulting in the fucked up house that I live in now. Well, think again Mister. I'm talking about real-life lesbians. Not the "Hey-I-need-extra-money-so-I'm-going-to-makeout-with-this-equally-hot-girl-and-pretend-to-be-gay" lesbian that you'd probably see on Girls Gone Wild.
I'm talking about real life lesbians. You know, the fat ugly ones with crew cuts. There's a reason these girls go lesbian, you think any guy would give them a chance?!
Not that I'm one to talk, I'm very picky about my women. I like my women like I like my coffee.
Ground up and in the freezer.
HI-HO!
The master bedroom of this house was hot pink thanks to the Bash 'em Sisters, so I've been wanting to paint it for the longest time. My friend Bizmark decided to come visit
While half-way down the the back alley, we passed a gas station. To the right of the gas station were several men just standing there beside their parked vehicles. Bizmark and myself decided to stop at the station to fill up on gas and grab some snacks.
While inside, I asked the attendant behind the counter what all those men were outside standing around for.
"Those guys are here everyday. If you noticed, they're all illegal immigrants. They drive here everyday and wait there for men to come by and pick them up and put them to work. If someone needs their yard work done, they can come by and say that they need two or three laborers, then three of those guys will hop in the back of the truck, do the work, get cash for it, then brought back here. They'll all wait out here until about 3, and the ones that didn't get work that day will go back home and try again tomorrow."
Basically, day laborer
"How much do they usually work for?", I asked.
"Depends. Most guys get 'em to work for under minimum wage."
I thanked the lady and walked back out to my car where Biz was waiting, then continued to drive up the mountain.
"Musty , why don't you pay one of those guys to paint that room in your house?"
"That's not a bad idea."
"What do they work for? Money?"
"No Nutzo, they work for puppies and tortillas."
"What?"
"Why do they work for tortillas..?"
Fucking moron.
A few days later, I drove to the gas station. There they were, about 30 laborers standing around and talking. I pulled my car up to the group and stepped out.
They all looked at me like dogs at the pound begging for a new owner.
"Hey guys, I need one worker to paint a room."
They stared at me. They didn't understand what I was saying.
"Um.... Anyone speak English?"
A small, dark guy in a cowboy hat and denim buttoned up shirt stepped up. Okay, wait. All of them were small dark guys with cowboy hats and denim shirts.
"I speak... little English."
"I need someone to paint a room for me."
He stared at me.
"I...NEED...SOMEONE...TO...PAINT...A...ROOM"
Like speaking louder and slower would suddenly make them understand english.
I was growing irritated.
"How about 7 dollars an hour?"
Their eyes grew wide, like that scene in that one movie that really sucked.
"Siete dollares?", one of them spoke up.
"No. 7 dollars."
"I...go."
Finally. After standing there for ten minutes, I finally got one of them to work for me. I was negotiating with a labor union on wages and working conditions. Except an alien labor union that didn't understand what I was doing or what their job was.
While driving back, I let the guy fiddle with my radio. He seemed to like talk radio.
When we arrived, I pointed to the utensils on the ground. He immediately started doing the job, and that's when I left the room. Two hours later, he emerged from the bedroom with paint on his hands and arms. I paid him his money and drove him back to the gas station.
This morning, there was a knock at my door. I opened the door to two guys, one of them the one that painted my room. The other one was apparently trying to find work. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts, not exactly impressive for a guy looking to find work. Now, if he had worn a suit and tie and brought along his credentials and resume, then maybe I'd be impressed.
Right now, the two are outside raking the yard. That'll keep them busy for a few hours. Until then, I'm trying to think of a way to tell them their services are no longer needed here. I can't afford to keep paying these guys to do my work for too long.
I'm thinking I'll just call them inside, sit them down, and break the news to them silently. Or perhaps I could pull the Donald Trump approach.
Either way, I'm going to fire these two.
Right after they make my dinner....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Having Fun on YahooChat or AIM
mikewilliams27: Hey, can you help me.
doctordannny: Hi.
mikewilliams27: I really need your help.
doctordannny: What's the matter.
mikewilliams27: Are you a doctor?
doctordannny: I'm an OBGYN.
mikewilliams27: What the hell is that?
doctordannny: It's a baby doctor.
mikewilliams27: Oh.
mikewilliams27: Ok. You'll do.
mikewilliams27: I swallowed a fishhook.
doctordannny: omg! call 911.
mikewilliams27: I can't.
mikewilliams27: Can't you just help me get it out?
mikewilliams27: There's still some fishing line attached to it.
doctordannny: Aren't you in pain?
mikewilliams27: Nahh. Not really.
doctordannny: There's nothing I can do for you from here.
doctordannny: How did it happen?
mikewilliams27: I don't know. I was just playing around.
mikewilliams27: I was waiting for something to download.
mikewilliams27: I was leaning back and dangling the hook into my mouth.
doctordannny: Why?
mikewilliams27: It got caught in my throat and I just figured I would swallow it.
doctordannny: Well I strongly advise you to call a doctor.
doctordannny: Is it a large hook?
mikewilliams27: It's one of those three-pronged ones.
mikewilliams27: I use it to snag frogs.
doctordannny: How big is it?
mikewilliams27: I don't know. It's about as big as a matchbox car I guess.
mikewilliams27: I have an idea.
doctordannny: Go to the hospital.
mikewilliams27: It's pretty late.
mikewilliams27: Hospitals are probably closed by now.
mikewilliams27: I'm going to just yank it out with the string.
doctordannny: No!
mikewilliams27: What?
doctordannny: Don't do that!
mikewilliams27: Why not?
doctordannny: If you pull it out, you're liable to cut your throat or get it lodged further.
mikewilliams27: Oh. Yeah.
mikewilliams27: I guess you're right.
mikewilliams27: How about if I drink some milk first.
mikewilliams27: Hold on a second.
doctordannny: ok
mikewilliams27: I'm back.
mikewilliams27: Are you still there?
doctordannny: I'm here.
mikewilliams27: Ok. I'm going to pull it out now.
doctordannny: Mike, don't do that.
doctordannny: Think about what will happen.
doctordannny: What happens when a fish swallows it?
doctordannny: Can you just pull it out?
mikewilliams27: uh oh.
doctordannny: Mike?
doctordannny: Are you ok?
mikewilliams27: Oh man. I shouldn't have done that
doctordannny: What did you do? Are you ok?
mikewilliams27: oh my god.
doctordannny: Mike?
mikewilliams27: oh my god there's so much blood
doctordannny: Mike call 911 right now.
doctordannny: Call 911 immediately.
mikewilliams27: I cant
doctordannny: This isn't funny. You could be seriously hurt.
mikewilliams27: I'm still downloading something.
doctordannny: What? Mike, hang up the phone and call 911 right now.
mikewilliams27: Oh geeze
mikewilliams27: I just coughed and a whole bunch of blood came out.
mikewilliams27: it sprayed all over my mom's computer screen
doctordannny: Mike, hang up the phone and call 911 right now.
doctordannny: Is anyone there with you?
mikewilliams27: No my Mom's at bingo.
mikewilliams27: I have to clean this off.
mikewilliams27: hang on a second.
doctordannny: k
doctordannny: Mike?
doctordannny: Mike are you ok?
doctordannny: Give me your address and I will call 911 for you.
doctordannny: Hello? Mike?
mikewilliams27: heh
doctordannny: Give me your address and I will call 911 for you.
mikewilliams27: i'm so tired
doctordannny: Give me your telephone number.
mikewilliams27: i'm on the computer so it will be busy
doctordannny: Listen to me. Hang up the phone.
mikewilliams27: but im still downloading something
doctordannny: It doesn't matter. If you are coughing blood you need to get medical attention right now!
doctordannny: Hello?
mikewilliams27: ok
mikewilliams27: I think I'm going to go rest now.
doctordannny: Mike give me your number and I will call 911 for you.
mikewilliams27: im so tired.
doctordannny: Mike give me your phone number.
doctordannny: Hello?
mikewilliams27: 275
doctordannny: 275 what?
doctordannny: Mike what is the rest?
doctordannny: Hello?
doctordannny: What's the rest of your phone number?
mikewilliams27: 275 4277
doctordannny: What is the area code?
doctordannny: Mike, what state do you live in?
doctordannny: Mike?
mikewilliams27: 1800
doctordannny: 1800, is that your address?
doctordannny: Mike.
mikewilliams27: no. phone
doctordannny: 800-275-4277 ?
doctordannny: Mike, is that your phone number?
doctordannny: Mike , answer me.
mikewilliams27: yeh
doctordannny: Mike I just called 911.
doctordannny: They should be able to find your house from that phone number.
doctordannny: Hello?
doctordannny: Mike I'm going to try and call you ok?
doctordannny: You fucking asshole.
doctordannny: Is that some kind of a joke?
doctordannny: I just called 911 and gave that number to them.
doctordannny: ANSWER ME!
doctordannny: JACKASS.
doctordannny: ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
doctordannny: <>
__________________
doctordannny: Hi.
mikewilliams27: I really need your help.
doctordannny: What's the matter.
mikewilliams27: Are you a doctor?
doctordannny: I'm an OBGYN.
mikewilliams27: What the hell is that?
doctordannny: It's a baby doctor.
mikewilliams27: Oh.
mikewilliams27: Ok. You'll do.
mikewilliams27: I swallowed a fishhook.
doctordannny: omg! call 911.
mikewilliams27: I can't.
mikewilliams27: Can't you just help me get it out?
mikewilliams27: There's still some fishing line attached to it.
doctordannny: Aren't you in pain?
mikewilliams27: Nahh. Not really.
doctordannny: There's nothing I can do for you from here.
doctordannny: How did it happen?
mikewilliams27: I don't know. I was just playing around.
mikewilliams27: I was waiting for something to download.
mikewilliams27: I was leaning back and dangling the hook into my mouth.
doctordannny: Why?
mikewilliams27: It got caught in my throat and I just figured I would swallow it.
doctordannny: Well I strongly advise you to call a doctor.
doctordannny: Is it a large hook?
mikewilliams27: It's one of those three-pronged ones.
mikewilliams27: I use it to snag frogs.
doctordannny: How big is it?
mikewilliams27: I don't know. It's about as big as a matchbox car I guess.
mikewilliams27: I have an idea.
doctordannny: Go to the hospital.
mikewilliams27: It's pretty late.
mikewilliams27: Hospitals are probably closed by now.
mikewilliams27: I'm going to just yank it out with the string.
doctordannny: No!
mikewilliams27: What?
doctordannny: Don't do that!
mikewilliams27: Why not?
doctordannny: If you pull it out, you're liable to cut your throat or get it lodged further.
mikewilliams27: Oh. Yeah.
mikewilliams27: I guess you're right.
mikewilliams27: How about if I drink some milk first.
mikewilliams27: Hold on a second.
doctordannny: ok
mikewilliams27: I'm back.
mikewilliams27: Are you still there?
doctordannny: I'm here.
mikewilliams27: Ok. I'm going to pull it out now.
doctordannny: Mike, don't do that.
doctordannny: Think about what will happen.
doctordannny: What happens when a fish swallows it?
doctordannny: Can you just pull it out?
mikewilliams27: uh oh.
doctordannny: Mike?
doctordannny: Are you ok?
mikewilliams27: Oh man. I shouldn't have done that
doctordannny: What did you do? Are you ok?
mikewilliams27: oh my god.
doctordannny: Mike?
mikewilliams27: oh my god there's so much blood
doctordannny: Mike call 911 right now.
doctordannny: Call 911 immediately.
mikewilliams27: I cant
doctordannny: This isn't funny. You could be seriously hurt.
mikewilliams27: I'm still downloading something.
doctordannny: What? Mike, hang up the phone and call 911 right now.
mikewilliams27: Oh geeze
mikewilliams27: I just coughed and a whole bunch of blood came out.
mikewilliams27: it sprayed all over my mom's computer screen
doctordannny: Mike, hang up the phone and call 911 right now.
doctordannny: Is anyone there with you?
mikewilliams27: No my Mom's at bingo.
mikewilliams27: I have to clean this off.
mikewilliams27: hang on a second.
doctordannny: k
doctordannny: Mike?
doctordannny: Mike are you ok?
doctordannny: Give me your address and I will call 911 for you.
doctordannny: Hello? Mike?
mikewilliams27: heh
doctordannny: Give me your address and I will call 911 for you.
mikewilliams27: i'm so tired
doctordannny: Give me your telephone number.
mikewilliams27: i'm on the computer so it will be busy
doctordannny: Listen to me. Hang up the phone.
mikewilliams27: but im still downloading something
doctordannny: It doesn't matter. If you are coughing blood you need to get medical attention right now!
doctordannny: Hello?
mikewilliams27: ok
mikewilliams27: I think I'm going to go rest now.
doctordannny: Mike give me your number and I will call 911 for you.
mikewilliams27: im so tired.
doctordannny: Mike give me your phone number.
doctordannny: Hello?
mikewilliams27: 275
doctordannny: 275 what?
doctordannny: Mike what is the rest?
doctordannny: Hello?
doctordannny: What's the rest of your phone number?
mikewilliams27: 275 4277
doctordannny: What is the area code?
doctordannny: Mike, what state do you live in?
doctordannny: Mike?
mikewilliams27: 1800
doctordannny: 1800, is that your address?
doctordannny: Mike.
mikewilliams27: no. phone
doctordannny: 800-275-4277 ?
doctordannny: Mike, is that your phone number?
doctordannny: Mike , answer me.
mikewilliams27: yeh
doctordannny: Mike I just called 911.
doctordannny: They should be able to find your house from that phone number.
doctordannny: Hello?
doctordannny: Mike I'm going to try and call you ok?
doctordannny: You fucking asshole.
doctordannny: Is that some kind of a joke?
doctordannny: I just called 911 and gave that number to them.
doctordannny: ANSWER ME!
doctordannny: JACKASS.
doctordannny: ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
doctordannny: <
__________________
For those living in a cubicle or serrving time in corporate prisons...
Be thankful you have a job...you could be like me, sitting around and smoking grade A weed and hash all day and blogging while drinking coronas under the beautiful california sun....its a hard life I tell ya.
But if you get bored at work...feel free to liven things up a bit, Have Some Fun!!!!!
Maybe you could...
Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.
It is allways a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f*ck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".
Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will ******** when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to autmatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
Change the coffee in the office coffe maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or untill you think everybody has gotten over their caffine addiction)and switch to expresso!
Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.
With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
My absolutely most favorite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
.Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO.
2.Call phone-sex numbers and transfer the calls at random.
3."Accidentally" send a personal e-mail to the entire company voicing your disapproval of your boss's constant reference to the CEO as an "ugly, stupid, lazy, spineless pussy".
4.Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.
5.Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked "urgent" and "confidential", of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they'll especially get a kick out of it.
6.Replace a commonly-accessed file on the computer network with a scanned image of your ass. (An updated version of an old classic.)
7.Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about "team spirit" can be particularly inspiring.)
8.Adulterate other people's lunches: take bites out of sandwiches, sprinkle bacon bits in vegetarians' salads (also works well with Orthodox Jews), and spike the thermos of iced tea with grain alcohol.
9.See how long you can hide a paper bag full of tuna fish in the back of the refrigerator before someone notices it. (Writing someone else's name on the bag goes without saying.)
Call one of your co-workers and tell them that you are a producer from the Ricki Lake Show and that someone from their past would like to confront them or reunite with them on the show. Then talk about airline reservations, hotel accommodations, etc. When they ask for more information, say that you're not able to give them any information and they will find out the day of the show. Their brains will be working overtime trying to think of who would want to confront them that nothing will get done that day.
Advertise a colleague’s job and leave their number with extension for contact. Make sure it is well paying and with low qualifications.
When your boss or colleague goes away on vacation, pour water and scatter grass seeds, cress seeds or lettuce seed onto the carpeted area in their office. With decent light, the seeds should germinate on the damp carpet and the person should find a growing carpet upon their return
Buy a box of donuts on your way home from work on Monday. Leave them out so they completely dry up and harden. On Friday, take the box of stale, stone-hard donuts to work and leave them near the coffee maker so everyone will see them and try one.
Take an empty salt shaker and put a small amount of lemon juice in the bottom. Use a napkin to create a small area at the top of the shaker and fill it with baking soda. When someone uses the shaker, the baking powder and lemon juice react just like an elementary school science fair volcano.
Find some plastic or aluminum ashtrays and make a small hole in the middle of the bottom. Stick the wick of a firecracker up through the hole and tape the firecracker underneath. Trim the wick and camouflage it with ashes and a few butts. Then, when a cigarette is put out next...
Fill water glasses and turn them upside down by firmly holding a sturdy piece of card paper (postcards are perfect) over the top and flipping. Slide the card paper out so the filled glass is sitting upside down on the counter. Leave them there as it looks like they are drying. When someone picks up the glasses to put them away they will be flooded.
If you are working in an office where two computer workstations are set up back to back you can pull this classic off. Before the person who works across from you gets to their computer, unplug their keyboard and plug yours into their computer. Then open the word processor on his terminal. When he sits down start typing something like this (imagine what the HAL9000 may say). A sample conversation may go something like this:
Terminal: Hello Jim (victim’s name)
Jim: What the @$#%’s going on?
Terminal: Are you doing Jim?
Jim: Holy @$#%, the @$#% computer knows my name!!!!!
This can go on for as long as you can keep a straight face
Remove all screws, fasteners, etc. from the person's desk and/or cubicle walls. It is possible that you may have to leave just enough (if you must and almost completely loose) to maintain the structural integrity -- at least enough until a slight touch or breeze knocks it apart
Place a note on colleague's desk regarding a bogus project that reads, "I need those monthly BSK numbers ASAP!" Then watch your panic stricken co-worker wander around confused for the rest of the day trying to figure out who wrote the note and what “monthly BSK numbers” are.
Take ink pens from the desk of a co-worker, remove all the ink cartridges and put them back.
Get a few sets of post it notes and glue them together. Let them dry for a day and then swap the glued post it's with the ones on a co-workers desk.
But if you get bored at work...feel free to liven things up a bit, Have Some Fun!!!!!
Maybe you could...
Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.
It is allways a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f*ck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".
Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will ******** when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to autmatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
Change the coffee in the office coffe maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or untill you think everybody has gotten over their caffine addiction)and switch to expresso!
Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.
With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
My absolutely most favorite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
.Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO.
2.Call phone-sex numbers and transfer the calls at random.
3."Accidentally" send a personal e-mail to the entire company voicing your disapproval of your boss's constant reference to the CEO as an "ugly, stupid, lazy, spineless pussy".
4.Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.
5.Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked "urgent" and "confidential", of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they'll especially get a kick out of it.
6.Replace a commonly-accessed file on the computer network with a scanned image of your ass. (An updated version of an old classic.)
7.Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about "team spirit" can be particularly inspiring.)
8.Adulterate other people's lunches: take bites out of sandwiches, sprinkle bacon bits in vegetarians' salads (also works well with Orthodox Jews), and spike the thermos of iced tea with grain alcohol.
9.See how long you can hide a paper bag full of tuna fish in the back of the refrigerator before someone notices it. (Writing someone else's name on the bag goes without saying.)
Call one of your co-workers and tell them that you are a producer from the Ricki Lake Show and that someone from their past would like to confront them or reunite with them on the show. Then talk about airline reservations, hotel accommodations, etc. When they ask for more information, say that you're not able to give them any information and they will find out the day of the show. Their brains will be working overtime trying to think of who would want to confront them that nothing will get done that day.
Advertise a colleague’s job and leave their number with extension for contact. Make sure it is well paying and with low qualifications.
When your boss or colleague goes away on vacation, pour water and scatter grass seeds, cress seeds or lettuce seed onto the carpeted area in their office. With decent light, the seeds should germinate on the damp carpet and the person should find a growing carpet upon their return
Buy a box of donuts on your way home from work on Monday. Leave them out so they completely dry up and harden. On Friday, take the box of stale, stone-hard donuts to work and leave them near the coffee maker so everyone will see them and try one.
Take an empty salt shaker and put a small amount of lemon juice in the bottom. Use a napkin to create a small area at the top of the shaker and fill it with baking soda. When someone uses the shaker, the baking powder and lemon juice react just like an elementary school science fair volcano.
Find some plastic or aluminum ashtrays and make a small hole in the middle of the bottom. Stick the wick of a firecracker up through the hole and tape the firecracker underneath. Trim the wick and camouflage it with ashes and a few butts. Then, when a cigarette is put out next...
Fill water glasses and turn them upside down by firmly holding a sturdy piece of card paper (postcards are perfect) over the top and flipping. Slide the card paper out so the filled glass is sitting upside down on the counter. Leave them there as it looks like they are drying. When someone picks up the glasses to put them away they will be flooded.
If you are working in an office where two computer workstations are set up back to back you can pull this classic off. Before the person who works across from you gets to their computer, unplug their keyboard and plug yours into their computer. Then open the word processor on his terminal. When he sits down start typing something like this (imagine what the HAL9000 may say). A sample conversation may go something like this:
Terminal: Hello Jim (victim’s name)
Jim: What the @$#%’s going on?
Terminal: Are you doing Jim?
Jim: Holy @$#%, the @$#% computer knows my name!!!!!
This can go on for as long as you can keep a straight face
Remove all screws, fasteners, etc. from the person's desk and/or cubicle walls. It is possible that you may have to leave just enough (if you must and almost completely loose) to maintain the structural integrity -- at least enough until a slight touch or breeze knocks it apart
Place a note on colleague's desk regarding a bogus project that reads, "I need those monthly BSK numbers ASAP!" Then watch your panic stricken co-worker wander around confused for the rest of the day trying to figure out who wrote the note and what “monthly BSK numbers” are.
Take ink pens from the desk of a co-worker, remove all the ink cartridges and put them back.
Get a few sets of post it notes and glue them together. Let them dry for a day and then swap the glued post it's with the ones on a co-workers desk.
Add more flavor to your smoke !
kinda of an interesting concept I thought, so I picked some up and i grew quite fond of it.
Its nice to add a little flavor in your smoke, I use it with my vaporizer and think it works great..
some of my favorite flavors are, grape, melon, peach, and blueberry..but they have tons more!
Enjoy
www.tastypuff.com
Its nice to add a little flavor in your smoke, I use it with my vaporizer and think it works great..
some of my favorite flavors are, grape, melon, peach, and blueberry..but they have tons more!
Enjoy
www.tastypuff.com
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Ask Musty....The Advice Guy
Somehow, I have become the person that many come to for advice on everything from car trouble to relationships and everything in between. While I appreciate people's problems, I also generally have no knowledge of the questions of which they ask, and that bothers me.
Before you say, "Gee Mustynutz, why are you such an nice guy, LOLZ!" please, I pray you, give me a chance to explain:
If I were to have a question in the medical field, I would ask a doctor, nurse, or at least a janitor at a medical facility, not an Drunk/Bartender/Pothead....If I had a question about a problem with my car, I would ask an Auto-Mechanic, Body/Paint Specialist, or at the very least a dyke in leather.. not an imaginary internet personality
Are you starting to see a connection here?
Apparently the people that have come to befriend me, have naught this sense of intuition. I know this because regardless of the amount of crippling advice I offer, in a lame attempt to stop the incessant barrage of ridiculous questioning, much like a burning case of the crabs, they just keep coming back.
Now, I would just say, "I have no idea, maybe you should ask someone that is in that field", but that would be admitting lack of knowledge, and that's a road I am not fond of traveling down. The words, "I don't know" have never escaped these full, luscious lips that ladies love
I would like to share with you a couple examples of really bad advice I have offered those unfortunate enough to seek my council:
Example 1:
John: Musty, my girlfriend is...
Me: Punch her.
John: You haven't even heard what I was going to say.
Me: Ok, continue.
John: My girlfriend hasn't been coming home at night. She is constantly getting calls and visitors at all hours. When I ask her what is going on she tells me to stop tripping, and laughs with her friends on the phone when she tells them about it whilst giving me dirty looks.
Me: And, is that it?
John: Yeah.
Me: I was wrong with my initial reaction.
John: Oh, so what should I do?
Me: Well, the way I see it, you need two things at this point. An '82 Fleetwood brougham, a shovel, some hefty bags and a damn good lawyer.
John: What?
Me: Trust me, get those and meet me at your house in a half hour.
I haven't seen or heard from John since that phone conversation. Moral: Don't ask the biggest smartss on the net
for relationship advice
Example 2:
Jenny: Musty, I've been receiving some complaints about the smell of my...you know, down there, what can I do?
Me: That's disgusting....you fucking warthog
Jenny: Come on, please just tell me what I should do.
Me: Ok, here's what you do. Get to the Adult Playroom on Market St., and find the biggest, black, oscillating, vibrating,double headed dildo money can buy.
Jenny: What? Why?
Me: Because after I tell everyone on Facebook,Myspace,Twitter,Yahoo and AIM, and many many chat lines that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
I haven't heard back from her yet either, but I think the moral was well taken. Moral: Don't tell Musty about your smelly genatalia, go see a doctor.
Example 3:
Jimmy: Musty, I know this is going to sound weird, but I was getting a blowjob earlier, and I forgot to tell my girlfriend that I was about to splooge. Long story short, I jizzed in her eye, and it's been all red and nasty ever since. What can I do.
Me: Bring her over right away.
Jimmy: Why, what are you going to do?
Me: I'm going to have her reenact the events that led up to the accident and recreate the crime scene in order to obtain a better solution
Jimmy: Yeah, and then what?
Me: the very least I can do is shoot some child chum in the other eye to balance things out.....
Jimmy: WHAT !?!?!?
Me: Yeah, I would just hate to have my girlfriend walking around looking all asymmetrical like that....you need balance in life, harmony...
They didn't come over, but they too had a lesson to learn.
Moral: Unless you are offering the services of your girlfriend, don't call me with details of your latest follies in fellatio.
Example 4:
Derek: Hey Musty, my car has been making this god awful clicking sound whenever I start the motor, and yesterday it started smoking on the way home.
Me: When was the last time you changed your oil?
Derek: Uh, well, they usually send me a letter when it gets to be that time...um...i dont know
Me: Did you go to the post office and have your mail forwarded when you moved ?
Derek: Oh SHIT...No !
Me: You moved over a year ago.
Derek: Yeah I know, damn
Me: It's cool, here's what you do, fill up a liter bottle with urine, and dump it in the oil tank using a funnel.
Derek: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, it's sort of like the coolant tank, you can get by for a while with just putting water in it instead of adding pure oil.
Derek: Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
I haven't talked to him in a while, but I did see him driving a new car yesterday, the strangest thing is, he was flipping me off. I guess some people just have no appreciation. Moral: I don't give a shit about your car.
Example 5:
Leah: Musty, my boyfriend is drunk again and he just smacked me in the side of my face with a sack full of nickels and called me stupid bitch... What should I do?
Me: What? Get the fuck out of there and leave him.
Leah: *sigh* I can't just leave him, it's more complicated than that.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? He just hit you right?
Leah: Yeah...but I love him, and he promised not to hit me again...
Me:....ditch his ass, NOW
Leah: But, I think he's just going through a tough time, and maybe if I stick around he will get better. I can change him.
Me: Oh, well why didn't you just say that in the first place.
Leah: Yeah, it just slipped my mind, you know, head trauma, concussions and the hemorraging and all.
Me: Right on, well, it looks like you have this one all wrapped up and you don't actually need any advice...glad I could help !
Leah: Yeah I guess I'm OK- wait, OH GOD!! EARL, NO STOP *smash* IM SORRY...OUCH NO DONT..YOUR GONNA KILL... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Moral: She was a fucking retard, don't be one of those because they aren't very smart. Remeber...What do you tell a woman with two black eyes....?
NOTHING, SHE'S BEEN TOLD TWICE ALREADY....
THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY
Before you say, "Gee Mustynutz, why are you such an nice guy, LOLZ!" please, I pray you, give me a chance to explain:
If I were to have a question in the medical field, I would ask a doctor, nurse, or at least a janitor at a medical facility, not an Drunk/Bartender/Pothead....If I had a question about a problem with my car, I would ask an Auto-Mechanic, Body/Paint Specialist, or at the very least a dyke in leather.. not an imaginary internet personality
Are you starting to see a connection here?
Apparently the people that have come to befriend me, have naught this sense of intuition. I know this because regardless of the amount of crippling advice I offer, in a lame attempt to stop the incessant barrage of ridiculous questioning, much like a burning case of the crabs, they just keep coming back.
Now, I would just say, "I have no idea, maybe you should ask someone that is in that field", but that would be admitting lack of knowledge, and that's a road I am not fond of traveling down. The words, "I don't know" have never escaped these full, luscious lips that ladies love
I would like to share with you a couple examples of really bad advice I have offered those unfortunate enough to seek my council:
Example 1:
John: Musty, my girlfriend is...
Me: Punch her.
John: You haven't even heard what I was going to say.
Me: Ok, continue.
John: My girlfriend hasn't been coming home at night. She is constantly getting calls and visitors at all hours. When I ask her what is going on she tells me to stop tripping, and laughs with her friends on the phone when she tells them about it whilst giving me dirty looks.
Me: And, is that it?
John: Yeah.
Me: I was wrong with my initial reaction.
John: Oh, so what should I do?
Me: Well, the way I see it, you need two things at this point. An '82 Fleetwood brougham, a shovel, some hefty bags and a damn good lawyer.
John: What?
Me: Trust me, get those and meet me at your house in a half hour.
I haven't seen or heard from John since that phone conversation. Moral: Don't ask the biggest smartss on the net
for relationship advice
Example 2:
Jenny: Musty, I've been receiving some complaints about the smell of my...you know, down there, what can I do?
Me: That's disgusting....you fucking warthog
Jenny: Come on, please just tell me what I should do.
Me: Ok, here's what you do. Get to the Adult Playroom on Market St., and find the biggest, black, oscillating, vibrating,double headed dildo money can buy.
Jenny: What? Why?
Me: Because after I tell everyone on Facebook,Myspace,Twitter,Yahoo and AIM, and many many chat lines that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
I haven't heard back from her yet either, but I think the moral was well taken. Moral: Don't tell Musty about your smelly genatalia, go see a doctor.
Example 3:
Jimmy: Musty, I know this is going to sound weird, but I was getting a blowjob earlier, and I forgot to tell my girlfriend that I was about to splooge. Long story short, I jizzed in her eye, and it's been all red and nasty ever since. What can I do.
Me: Bring her over right away.
Jimmy: Why, what are you going to do?
Me: I'm going to have her reenact the events that led up to the accident and recreate the crime scene in order to obtain a better solution
Jimmy: Yeah, and then what?
Me: the very least I can do is shoot some child chum in the other eye to balance things out.....
Jimmy: WHAT !?!?!?
Me: Yeah, I would just hate to have my girlfriend walking around looking all asymmetrical like that....you need balance in life, harmony...
They didn't come over, but they too had a lesson to learn.
Moral: Unless you are offering the services of your girlfriend, don't call me with details of your latest follies in fellatio.
Example 4:
Derek: Hey Musty, my car has been making this god awful clicking sound whenever I start the motor, and yesterday it started smoking on the way home.
Me: When was the last time you changed your oil?
Derek: Uh, well, they usually send me a letter when it gets to be that time...um...i dont know
Me: Did you go to the post office and have your mail forwarded when you moved ?
Derek: Oh SHIT...No !
Me: You moved over a year ago.
Derek: Yeah I know, damn
Me: It's cool, here's what you do, fill up a liter bottle with urine, and dump it in the oil tank using a funnel.
Derek: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, it's sort of like the coolant tank, you can get by for a while with just putting water in it instead of adding pure oil.
Derek: Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
I haven't talked to him in a while, but I did see him driving a new car yesterday, the strangest thing is, he was flipping me off. I guess some people just have no appreciation. Moral: I don't give a shit about your car.
Example 5:
Leah: Musty, my boyfriend is drunk again and he just smacked me in the side of my face with a sack full of nickels and called me stupid bitch... What should I do?
Me: What? Get the fuck out of there and leave him.
Leah: *sigh* I can't just leave him, it's more complicated than that.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? He just hit you right?
Leah: Yeah...but I love him, and he promised not to hit me again...
Me:....ditch his ass, NOW
Leah: But, I think he's just going through a tough time, and maybe if I stick around he will get better. I can change him.
Me: Oh, well why didn't you just say that in the first place.
Leah: Yeah, it just slipped my mind, you know, head trauma, concussions and the hemorraging and all.
Me: Right on, well, it looks like you have this one all wrapped up and you don't actually need any advice...glad I could help !
Leah: Yeah I guess I'm OK- wait, OH GOD!! EARL, NO STOP *smash* IM SORRY...OUCH NO DONT..YOUR GONNA KILL... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Moral: She was a fucking retard, don't be one of those because they aren't very smart. Remeber...What do you tell a woman with two black eyes....?
NOTHING, SHE'S BEEN TOLD TWICE ALREADY....
THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY
You know you smoke too much weed if ....
.
you got a bowl de-clogger next to the bong because it gets plugged so many fucking times!!
your bong is plugged and the bowl insert isn't the culprit
You put the milk in the freezer and ice cream in the fridge
you forget to put weed out of all things in the pot brownies
when you attempt to smoke the problem out before going to the doctor/ mechanic etc.eg- "You never know man, lets smoke a joint then try starting the mower again"...... WHen the mower doesn't start you smoke another joint and forget about the affiar
You get stoned before everything, inluding your morning shit..... You won't take that excruiciatingly urgent morning shit till your bong is loaded and you found the lighter you lost2 months ago because you haven't a fucking clue where yesterdays lighter walked off to.
you swear your lighters have legs cause you allready lost the 5 lighters you bought yesterday
you clean your house and find 11 lighters, some over a year old
You pull the calyxes out of the bud and chuck the rest
you test brownie potency by eating half the pan then smoke a bowl to keep you high till the brownie kicks in,
You grow way the fuck up the mountian side to achieve a better resin-to-plant matter ratio even though this practice will cut production by 80ish% and wear the brakes out pronto
you forget your shovels all over the place.... swear I got 10 shovels out there some where,lol
You forget your shovel when going to dig holes
You've been in your house smoking pot and never going anywhere for long enough that your neighbour thinks your on vacation
you spend 2 hr making funny messages for your answering machine then playing them back,(some answering machines make people sound fucking hilarius)
You can't figure out the intructions for the barbeque but you can engineer a killer bong in about a half hour....
your pot plants give you the cold shoulder if you ever bring a chic around the house
you don't even bother trying to remeber lighters you just put them everywhere so chances are there's a lighter at hand..... some where
Your dog hides it head in the couch when you go out for the night-cap toke because it knows it's getting put outside after
You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.
You have the munchie food right in front of you and you forget to eat 'em
When a commercial comes on you forget what TV show you were just watching.
You light a joint and forget to smoke it.
You smoke a joint thats not lit.
You stare at the clock waiting for 4:20 to come, then you snap out of it and realize it was 4:31.
You have a freshly packed bowl in your hand and half an hour later you realize... You forgot to smoke it
You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.
Every story you tell begins with, "We were really high and..."
You buy your Visine at a wholesale club
Someone asks you for a dime and you tell them you're out of herb
The High Times centrefold turns you on
Your friends call you Smokey
Your parents call you Smokey
You think everyone is staring at you and there's nobody in the room
Your room turns into your grow room
Your best friend just happens to be your dealer
A friend without weed is a friend in need
Your video collection consists of endless Cheech and Chong sequels
Your too phoned to stone home
Your creativity is only used when you have nothing to smoke out of
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted
Sorting out life's problems, the answer is always roll, lick and smoke
Your clothes are full of burn holes from dropped joints
If an autobiography of your life was made into a movie, it would be called "Waiting to Inhale"
You get up to do something but end up smoking pot instead
Your motto in life is Why ask Why? Just Get High.
You call people you don't even like to hang out, just because you know they've got bud.
You begin hearing knocks at the door and CD skips that aren't there
you dont go to your mothers funeral just so you can smoke a bow
you smoke while taking a shit
you find weed some where even tho you havent had any in 3 month
every time you clean your room you find a lost sack
AND THE FINAL REASON YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER...
When you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you geet stuck on the TV guide channel for over an hour, and still dont know whats comin on
you decide to quit smoking while you're high, smoke all the rest of your bud for one last smoke, and buy another sack the next day
you find yourself blazing in the early afternoon and telling someone, "this is the first time i've smoked all day...wait, no its not."
You are chillin with your buddies and see some buds on a sage bush and smoke them to see if you get high
and while smoking you look around and wonder what it would be like if all the pine trees were big ass bud plants haha
you can make a bong or pipe out of anything
you chow down on tortillias with ranch dressing in them because thats all you have to eat
When your professor reffers to you and your buddy as the doobie brothers.
When the chips go in the fridge and the milk goes in the cupboard
if you have ever rear ended a car while cracking a blunt while you are driving
when you have to take a piss bad but keep it in so u can read the rest of this thread
when u smoke a couple bowls on the highway on the way to work (fast speeds, one knee on wheel, 2 hands lighting and smoking pipe = not smart,btw)
when you make a daily log of how much you have smoked so u can remember later
When you bundle up and walk three blocks to 7-11 for smokes, get there leave with a dvd, two candy bars and a gatorade get home and realize you forgot to buy the smokes the thing you actually went there for in the first place...
you know your a stoner when you con't watch tv cause you cant find the remote.
you know your a stoner when you wind up watching the main menu and listening to the music cause you are too lazy to get up and turn it off after you finish watchign a dvd
you know your a stoner when the only math you remember (easily) is ounces, grams, pounds, half pounds, and kilos...and you instantly associate a certain ammount of money for a certain measurement..
You know you're a stoner when you carry around a razor blade specifically to split your blunts...
You know you're a stoner when it's abt 40 degrees outside and you're still wearing sandals.
You know you're a stoner when you let your hair grow and grow to save that extra $10 a month for another gram.
when you keep a pudding snack pack in your cup holder so you can eat it at red lights
you know you're a stoner when you are out of bud, and don't know where to get it, so you ask people that you know definetly don't smoke, but you think there might be a chance that they know someone else that has bud
you know when you're a stoner when you wake up with a ritz crackers , a knife, and a tub of peanut butter in your bed - none of which were used before passing out and falling into a weed induced coma
You know you're a stoner when you realize you've been sitting for five minutes at a blinking red light.
you take a shit and it smells like weed
.. when herb becomes your currency
.. when you dont even get high anymore when you toke, you just feel normal.
.. when you wander off stoned and end up at your fridge multiple times in a night.
.. you have more friends on siccness than in real life.
.. when you have posted on a thread like this more than twice and still post again when a new one is made..
when you go to the airport to pick up your parents, end up waiting for 2 hours, then realize that they're going to arrive tomorrow.
when your mom, who doesn't like that you smoke, calls and asks what you're doing and you don't realize who it is and say, just packin a bowl
when you split your blunts with your fingers
when you get a room so hotboxed that lighters won't light, you can't see the wall on the other side of the room, someone collapses and passes out, and you still don't want to break the hotbox
when you've got the munchies big time and decide that its not worth the trouble to get up and get food
You order a pizza and 30 minutes later wonder who's at your door.
) You know you're a stoner when you are high more than 6 hours each day.
2) You know you're a stoner when you cannot go through normal, every day functions, such as work and school without smoking.
3) You know you're a stoner when weed becomes a top priority in your life, over friends, family, work, school, etc.
4) You know you're a stoner when you spend more $100 each month on weed
5) You know you're a stoner when you have to defend your smoking habits
You know you're a....wait, whats the question?
You can efficiently macgyver a pipe out of ordinary objects like fruit, cans, lightbulbs or found objects with only the tools you have on you, at night, in the dark, sitting on a park bench.
When you know of nothing else about amsterdam other than you can legally smoke pot there, and it still makes your top three "places to see before I die"
You know your a stoner when you walk down or up the stairs in the dark and think there is always one more stair,when there isn't. DOH! lol
You know youre a stoner when you go to Taco Bell with a pocket full of change.
your fretting about getting on rolled with a tacted out car but wait to roll down your windows until theres hella people nearby.
another one im proud off, go to in-n-out notice theres a notch working come back the next day and plan to roll down the window in her face, but then realize that hella people are watching you and bounce before you even order, no joke we had old people roll by us saying "u smell that."
you can relate to 98% of the "ifs" in this blog
you got a bowl de-clogger next to the bong because it gets plugged so many fucking times!!
your bong is plugged and the bowl insert isn't the culprit
You put the milk in the freezer and ice cream in the fridge
you forget to put weed out of all things in the pot brownies
when you attempt to smoke the problem out before going to the doctor/ mechanic etc.eg- "You never know man, lets smoke a joint then try starting the mower again"...... WHen the mower doesn't start you smoke another joint and forget about the affiar
You get stoned before everything, inluding your morning shit..... You won't take that excruiciatingly urgent morning shit till your bong is loaded and you found the lighter you lost2 months ago because you haven't a fucking clue where yesterdays lighter walked off to.
you swear your lighters have legs cause you allready lost the 5 lighters you bought yesterday
you clean your house and find 11 lighters, some over a year old
You pull the calyxes out of the bud and chuck the rest
you test brownie potency by eating half the pan then smoke a bowl to keep you high till the brownie kicks in,
You grow way the fuck up the mountian side to achieve a better resin-to-plant matter ratio even though this practice will cut production by 80ish% and wear the brakes out pronto
you forget your shovels all over the place.... swear I got 10 shovels out there some where,lol
You forget your shovel when going to dig holes
You've been in your house smoking pot and never going anywhere for long enough that your neighbour thinks your on vacation
you spend 2 hr making funny messages for your answering machine then playing them back,(some answering machines make people sound fucking hilarius)
You can't figure out the intructions for the barbeque but you can engineer a killer bong in about a half hour....
your pot plants give you the cold shoulder if you ever bring a chic around the house
you don't even bother trying to remeber lighters you just put them everywhere so chances are there's a lighter at hand..... some where
Your dog hides it head in the couch when you go out for the night-cap toke because it knows it's getting put outside after
You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.
You have the munchie food right in front of you and you forget to eat 'em
When a commercial comes on you forget what TV show you were just watching.
You light a joint and forget to smoke it.
You smoke a joint thats not lit.
You stare at the clock waiting for 4:20 to come, then you snap out of it and realize it was 4:31.
You have a freshly packed bowl in your hand and half an hour later you realize... You forgot to smoke it
You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.
Every story you tell begins with, "We were really high and..."
You buy your Visine at a wholesale club
Someone asks you for a dime and you tell them you're out of herb
The High Times centrefold turns you on
Your friends call you Smokey
Your parents call you Smokey
You think everyone is staring at you and there's nobody in the room
Your room turns into your grow room
Your best friend just happens to be your dealer
A friend without weed is a friend in need
Your video collection consists of endless Cheech and Chong sequels
Your too phoned to stone home
Your creativity is only used when you have nothing to smoke out of
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted
Sorting out life's problems, the answer is always roll, lick and smoke
Your clothes are full of burn holes from dropped joints
If an autobiography of your life was made into a movie, it would be called "Waiting to Inhale"
You get up to do something but end up smoking pot instead
Your motto in life is Why ask Why? Just Get High.
You call people you don't even like to hang out, just because you know they've got bud.
You begin hearing knocks at the door and CD skips that aren't there
you dont go to your mothers funeral just so you can smoke a bow
you smoke while taking a shit
you find weed some where even tho you havent had any in 3 month
every time you clean your room you find a lost sack
AND THE FINAL REASON YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER...
When you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you geet stuck on the TV guide channel for over an hour, and still dont know whats comin on
you decide to quit smoking while you're high, smoke all the rest of your bud for one last smoke, and buy another sack the next day
you find yourself blazing in the early afternoon and telling someone, "this is the first time i've smoked all day...wait, no its not."
You are chillin with your buddies and see some buds on a sage bush and smoke them to see if you get high
and while smoking you look around and wonder what it would be like if all the pine trees were big ass bud plants haha
you can make a bong or pipe out of anything
you chow down on tortillias with ranch dressing in them because thats all you have to eat
When your professor reffers to you and your buddy as the doobie brothers.
When the chips go in the fridge and the milk goes in the cupboard
if you have ever rear ended a car while cracking a blunt while you are driving
when you have to take a piss bad but keep it in so u can read the rest of this thread
when u smoke a couple bowls on the highway on the way to work (fast speeds, one knee on wheel, 2 hands lighting and smoking pipe = not smart,btw)
when you make a daily log of how much you have smoked so u can remember later
When you bundle up and walk three blocks to 7-11 for smokes, get there leave with a dvd, two candy bars and a gatorade get home and realize you forgot to buy the smokes the thing you actually went there for in the first place...
you know your a stoner when you con't watch tv cause you cant find the remote.
you know your a stoner when you wind up watching the main menu and listening to the music cause you are too lazy to get up and turn it off after you finish watchign a dvd
you know your a stoner when the only math you remember (easily) is ounces, grams, pounds, half pounds, and kilos...and you instantly associate a certain ammount of money for a certain measurement..
You know you're a stoner when you carry around a razor blade specifically to split your blunts...
You know you're a stoner when it's abt 40 degrees outside and you're still wearing sandals.
You know you're a stoner when you let your hair grow and grow to save that extra $10 a month for another gram.
when you keep a pudding snack pack in your cup holder so you can eat it at red lights
you know you're a stoner when you are out of bud, and don't know where to get it, so you ask people that you know definetly don't smoke, but you think there might be a chance that they know someone else that has bud
you know when you're a stoner when you wake up with a ritz crackers , a knife, and a tub of peanut butter in your bed - none of which were used before passing out and falling into a weed induced coma
You know you're a stoner when you realize you've been sitting for five minutes at a blinking red light.
you take a shit and it smells like weed
.. when herb becomes your currency
.. when you dont even get high anymore when you toke, you just feel normal.
.. when you wander off stoned and end up at your fridge multiple times in a night.
.. you have more friends on siccness than in real life.
.. when you have posted on a thread like this more than twice and still post again when a new one is made..
when you go to the airport to pick up your parents, end up waiting for 2 hours, then realize that they're going to arrive tomorrow.
when your mom, who doesn't like that you smoke, calls and asks what you're doing and you don't realize who it is and say, just packin a bowl
when you split your blunts with your fingers
when you get a room so hotboxed that lighters won't light, you can't see the wall on the other side of the room, someone collapses and passes out, and you still don't want to break the hotbox
when you've got the munchies big time and decide that its not worth the trouble to get up and get food
You order a pizza and 30 minutes later wonder who's at your door.
) You know you're a stoner when you are high more than 6 hours each day.
2) You know you're a stoner when you cannot go through normal, every day functions, such as work and school without smoking.
3) You know you're a stoner when weed becomes a top priority in your life, over friends, family, work, school, etc.
4) You know you're a stoner when you spend more $100 each month on weed
5) You know you're a stoner when you have to defend your smoking habits
You know you're a....wait, whats the question?
You can efficiently macgyver a pipe out of ordinary objects like fruit, cans, lightbulbs or found objects with only the tools you have on you, at night, in the dark, sitting on a park bench.
When you know of nothing else about amsterdam other than you can legally smoke pot there, and it still makes your top three "places to see before I die"
You know your a stoner when you walk down or up the stairs in the dark and think there is always one more stair,when there isn't. DOH! lol
You know youre a stoner when you go to Taco Bell with a pocket full of change.
your fretting about getting on rolled with a tacted out car but wait to roll down your windows until theres hella people nearby.
another one im proud off, go to in-n-out notice theres a notch working come back the next day and plan to roll down the window in her face, but then realize that hella people are watching you and bounce before you even order, no joke we had old people roll by us saying "u smell that."
you can relate to 98% of the "ifs" in this blog
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Sociopathic Misanthro-pissed
Friday always comes so unexpected. This week, it brought me to a place that I've never been to before. This Friday brought me to where the trail goes. To the bottom of the rabbit's hole. I found the center of it.
I was in a crack-house, I knew that. The basement was large and green-and-white-striped. It would have been cold, but the water heater that I was near warmed the room so I could relax. I sat on the ground with my back against the wall and a crack-pipe in my hand.
How did I come to this place? What was happening? With every hit of crack I took, I walked further and further down a crystal hallway towards a monument of amethyst. There before me was the Rock of Ages, the throne of God.
The great rock bellowed, "Who are you and why have you awakened my spirit?"
I had tapped into it. It was the center. It was the vortex that I found in my acid trips. Here, in the basement of a crack-house in Harlem, I was meeting God for the very first time. The drugs were serving as some kind of mental gateway.
"I am Sam," I said. "I have come to ask you what the greatest thrill of the universe is?"
God rumbled, "Look into me and see your reflection. It will take you to who you are."
And as I looked, I saw a sea of red blood. Literally, there was an ocean of blood and I was in it. I was humping a blue demon from behind. The female demon and I fucked in the sea of blood, her wings flapping in delight. I then realized that the demon that I was fucking looked just like my mother. And I began to see that my arm was tied off as I had done some heroin. And there was a joint in my mouth. I had discovered my greatest thrill—being stoned off my ass fucking a demon version of my mother in a sea of blood. That's my nirvana.
And here is what I learned, after meeting God in Harlem:
I treat being a sociopath as a fun thing, and much of the time it really is. I can't tell you the pleasure that I get out of my life and I know that the average jackass on the street won't ever feel half the thrill that I do in any given month. But there's another part to the disease—another part that's not glamorous at all. There's always the knowing, the constantly being cognizant of the fact, that you have no soul.
When I lay under the stars at night, I don't ponder the nature of existence or the possibility of God. I only think how great the sky would look if I had some acid and Pink Floyd to listen to.
When a girl tells me she loves me, I don't feel any joy in my heart. I only feel my dick swell because I know I'm gonna get laid.
When sitting in class, I don't ever think, "Wow. So that's how that works," or "Jeez, that actually happened?" I only daydream about whether or not I think I can actually get away with murdering someone.
Because I'm a sociopath, I feel no remorse or sympathy for anyone. I don't believe in true beauty outside of a good high or a brilliant con. I think Shakespeare is garbage and I think the only goal in any woman's life is to be a good little cock-sucking slut.
And the funny thing is that I am fully aware that I am somehow missing something that all people who are not sociopaths seem to see. I don't get people who dig sunsets. I don't ever wake up in the morning happy to be alive. I don't fucking understand anyone who isn't a psycho like me. All you people are so trusting and so stupid. I don't understand why all of you don't think with your brain more.
But sometimes, usually after I smoke some weed, I wonder what it's like to be a person that actually feels love. What is it like to feel things like passion and forgiveness and fear of God? What is it like to be a normal human being? And I can't help but think, there's got to be something in these emotions that I'll never understand. There has to be some part of "being a good person" that makes people into priests and artists and scientists and teachers instead of criminals and drug-dealers and lawyers and politicians like the rest of us sociopaths.
And I'll never know.
But I will know my ways. I will know what it was like to flip off my boss and throw a donut at his shiny, bald head. I will know what it was like to rape a Russian virgin under a porch. I will know what it was like to take enough drugs to kill a horse and spend a week thinking I was dead. I will know what it was like to have killed each of those kittens and what it felt like to hang them by their necks on that old lady's tree. I will know things that no one else will ever know.
And as I met God in that crack-house, I realized that the entire thing—my entire sociopath syndrome—was some sort of cosmic a trade-off. It was a blow-job for a sunrise. It was heroin for Jesus.
And I now knew that being a sociopath was just as good, if not better, as being an ordinary person. Don't you think?
I was in a crack-house, I knew that. The basement was large and green-and-white-striped. It would have been cold, but the water heater that I was near warmed the room so I could relax. I sat on the ground with my back against the wall and a crack-pipe in my hand.
How did I come to this place? What was happening? With every hit of crack I took, I walked further and further down a crystal hallway towards a monument of amethyst. There before me was the Rock of Ages, the throne of God.
The great rock bellowed, "Who are you and why have you awakened my spirit?"
I had tapped into it. It was the center. It was the vortex that I found in my acid trips. Here, in the basement of a crack-house in Harlem, I was meeting God for the very first time. The drugs were serving as some kind of mental gateway.
"I am Sam," I said. "I have come to ask you what the greatest thrill of the universe is?"
God rumbled, "Look into me and see your reflection. It will take you to who you are."
And as I looked, I saw a sea of red blood. Literally, there was an ocean of blood and I was in it. I was humping a blue demon from behind. The female demon and I fucked in the sea of blood, her wings flapping in delight. I then realized that the demon that I was fucking looked just like my mother. And I began to see that my arm was tied off as I had done some heroin. And there was a joint in my mouth. I had discovered my greatest thrill—being stoned off my ass fucking a demon version of my mother in a sea of blood. That's my nirvana.
And here is what I learned, after meeting God in Harlem:
I treat being a sociopath as a fun thing, and much of the time it really is. I can't tell you the pleasure that I get out of my life and I know that the average jackass on the street won't ever feel half the thrill that I do in any given month. But there's another part to the disease—another part that's not glamorous at all. There's always the knowing, the constantly being cognizant of the fact, that you have no soul.
When I lay under the stars at night, I don't ponder the nature of existence or the possibility of God. I only think how great the sky would look if I had some acid and Pink Floyd to listen to.
When a girl tells me she loves me, I don't feel any joy in my heart. I only feel my dick swell because I know I'm gonna get laid.
When sitting in class, I don't ever think, "Wow. So that's how that works," or "Jeez, that actually happened?" I only daydream about whether or not I think I can actually get away with murdering someone.
Because I'm a sociopath, I feel no remorse or sympathy for anyone. I don't believe in true beauty outside of a good high or a brilliant con. I think Shakespeare is garbage and I think the only goal in any woman's life is to be a good little cock-sucking slut.
And the funny thing is that I am fully aware that I am somehow missing something that all people who are not sociopaths seem to see. I don't get people who dig sunsets. I don't ever wake up in the morning happy to be alive. I don't fucking understand anyone who isn't a psycho like me. All you people are so trusting and so stupid. I don't understand why all of you don't think with your brain more.
But sometimes, usually after I smoke some weed, I wonder what it's like to be a person that actually feels love. What is it like to feel things like passion and forgiveness and fear of God? What is it like to be a normal human being? And I can't help but think, there's got to be something in these emotions that I'll never understand. There has to be some part of "being a good person" that makes people into priests and artists and scientists and teachers instead of criminals and drug-dealers and lawyers and politicians like the rest of us sociopaths.
And I'll never know.
But I will know my ways. I will know what it was like to flip off my boss and throw a donut at his shiny, bald head. I will know what it was like to rape a Russian virgin under a porch. I will know what it was like to take enough drugs to kill a horse and spend a week thinking I was dead. I will know what it was like to have killed each of those kittens and what it felt like to hang them by their necks on that old lady's tree. I will know things that no one else will ever know.
And as I met God in that crack-house, I realized that the entire thing—my entire sociopath syndrome—was some sort of cosmic a trade-off. It was a blow-job for a sunrise. It was heroin for Jesus.
And I now knew that being a sociopath was just as good, if not better, as being an ordinary person. Don't you think?
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