Babysitting is a bitch!

Yesterday I decided to have a day off of work and take every drug I could imagine. Ecstasy, Valium, Weed,Coke.. and I possibly swallowed a few pounds of carpet from laying on the floor for four hours and chewing on it. The phone rang a few times but I just yelled some curse words at it and it stopped. .

I eventually came down and ate some turkey still left over from Thanksgiving. My phone started blowing up this time, even the f-bomb couldn't stop it. I picked up the phone expecting Morpheus to tell me I was the one but was shocked to hear my friend Brad on the other end. Brad is a douche and I hate him as I do all my friends so I wasn't really pumped to hear from him, and he was pushing me to take care of his kid so he could go get some tail. Real class act.

"Isn't there like a baby club ran by a rapper or something you can go to for god's sake? I'm not in the mood to..."

"You gotta help me buddy please! I gotta go to Diamonds tonight cause Elise is dancing. She totally wants me man, every time I get a dance she's like...you know...smiling...and one time I swear to god she tried to kiss me on my ear. Are you going to deny me the right to possibly get-it-on with a stripper? Ever since my girl Jamie died giving birth to our baby I've had a really hard time getting back in the scene you know?"

"That's not really what I would consider a scene but all I know is she better be hot. You know i'm down with sloppy seconds. I don't understand why or how you are calling me. Didn't I burn down your house two weeks ago because I was drunk and thought it was a giant parrot?"

"I had to move back in with my parents, but it's cool, except for the fact that dad is still obsessed with backgammon. I still don't understand that game at all. They're out tonight probably banging and I really ain't got any other friends, so..."

"You are a sad excuse for a man you know that? Bring over your baby, but I will not guarantee it's survival."

"Give me a percentage."

"43%"


.........


"Better than I thought it would be. I'll be there in 15."


Brad arrived and threw his child out the window in what appeared to be a cardboard box. There was a note on it.

Yo Yo YO!

Thanks for taking care of the brat. Be back tomorrow.

Brad

P.S.- her name is Nat.


What care and craftsmanship, and god the time spent on this. The box was stuffed with tissue paper and a baby that was really sad because it was crying really loud. I just laughed at her for a second and called her a bastard child before I picked her up and brought her inside.

"Alright then, I am totally disregarding your name and calling you baby from now on. You can't expect me to remember it now can you? I mean, come on now baby."

She laughed at me for a good minute. Wow, this chick was awesome! And she doesn't talk! I think I'm in love!

"So, you dating anyone recently? Got your eye on that goofy kid with six toes don't you? You need a real man in your life, baby."

Again the laughter! Now she's just trying to be a tart and get me to like her! I hate it when people try too hard so I got turned off, and realized she was probably incapable of handling someone so smoking hot such as myself.

"Alright, it's like 9:30 so....want to go to a bar?"

The baby started crying and throwing her little fists in the air like she could actually do something to me. Why do women always want me to stay in and watch movies? Do you fear that I will have sex with someone at the bars? You should.

"I will not have this baby! No woman restricts my right to drink. Don't tread on me godammit!"

She cried even harder. To hell with this, she's going. Maybe she'll calm down once I get a shot of some Grey Goose vodka in her. God that stuff is water i'm telling ya.

We hit The Orbit for a few games of pool with the locals and I was planning on getting trashed beyond belief. Thank god that baby can drive.

As soon as I walked in the place I was swarmed by women ranging in age from 21-24. They were so interested in this baby and my willingness to take care of it. They got a little testy when one of them said I was a sleazeball for taking a baby to a bar, but I just denounced her faith and said she hates god and gives satan rimjobs in a church. No one talked to that lady the rest of the night.

"So baby, you can really pick up the chicks! What's your secret?"

The baby stared at me and just shouted. She shouted and shouted. Then she cockblocked me to the extreme by puking all over the pool table. Not cool man, I had a shot on the nine ball and could have won fifty bucks. The women slowly retreated and I found myself alone with a baby and vomit. Dismayed, I took the baby home and fed it some Cheetohs, figuring she needed something greasy in her stomach after a hardcore night of partying, I think.

I awoke the next day and checked to see if she was still crashed from the night before. She was sleeping peacefully on the counter, without a care in the world. I thought to myself, "godamn, that's one ugly baby". I grabbed my phone and called Brad to see how the previous night went...

"So, did you hook up with Elise the stripper?"

"Dude, get this, she's got herpes, and, oh you won't believe this, man, she was really a man"

"What the fuck? Wouldn't you notice something like that off the bat you dumbass?"

"She used this powder and she looked Latino and had a great set of fake tits Jesus,please dont tell anyone...its was a total disaster."

"Well, your secrets safe with me dipshit. Come by and pick up your baby."
How did Nat do last night?"

"Who the fuck is Nat?"

"You..didn't read?"

"Just pick up your kid godammit! I've got things to do like watch tennis and eat deoderant! Don't bother knocking or anything either, she's outside for easy access."

"You left her outside?"

"She's fine man, happy as whatever the fuck is really happy. You might have to look for her though, I made sure she blended in with the background so no one would steal her."

"What? What did you do to her?"

"Settle down she's alive. I dressed her up that's all. Too bad you have an ugly baby, wouldn't have broken my camera with her face."

"You mother---!"





what I request from you is information. Is your child a surefire cutey who doesn't vomit every time it goes to a bar? Then tell me so I can harrass you into sending me your child! That's right! After I sleep with 45 women I will ship your child back with a basket of assorted meats and cheeses! I will take a picture of your child surrounded by hot chicks, ensuring him that at one time he was attractive and not covered with acne and disgusting hair. Could it possibly be your child I write about next time? Make sure it is! Send me those godamn babies!

don't know if someone has posted a similar story to this at some point but this is a tale of great misfortune and woe.

Names have been changed in this one.

Julia was one of the dirtiest girls I had come across (no pun intended) in a long time. She enjoyed sordid sex and there was nothing she wouldn't try. Except the glorious holy grail, anal. I had been trying to win her round for a few weeks. But nothing had worked. I had taken her out for expensive meals, I had bought her gifts, I had tried sweet talking her and even emotional black mail.

"Babe if you really love me you will at least give it a go."

"Fuck you in the asshole, you asshole" (yet again no pun intended)

It seemed hopeless. Until one day whilst we were laying on the bed together talking crap she said something that would change my life forever.

"Hun, you know the anal thing?" She said tentatively.

"Yes, Babe?" I said my ears and other parts of my anatomy pricking up.

"Well Maria was telling me that her and her boyfriend do it regularly and that it's amazing." the next eleven words came out very slowly and very cautiously. "I was wondering if you still want to try it?"

Well I didn't need a written invitation. I stripped her quicker than a fat boy stripping a mars bar ice cream on a particularly hot day. Clothes off and little Timmy ready to go we got into the swing of things. Oral came and went and we were in the middle of fucking when I asked her if she was ready. She nodded. Oh thank you god, you know I'll be there first thing Sunday. I thought to myself.

I went down on her again and whilst "sticking my tongue in her holiest of holies" to quote pulp fiction, I slowly slid a finger into her arse. She whimpered in pleasure as her muscles tensed and relaxed. YES! This was a goer! I told her that everything would be fine, rolled her over and slowly began pushing into her. She loved it. I've never heard a girl make noises like she did that night. It became almost scary how much she was enjoying it.

"Do it harder, do it fucking faster!" She moaned.

I happily obliged and began to drill like a pro when something unsightly happened.

"Baby I'm going to cum, shoot over my back!" I had held my orgasm back for too long and welcomed those words.

Well I'm not going to argue with a girl in the throws of an orgasm. So I began to withdraw when it happened. I don't know if you already know this but during anal, muscles tense and relax. As I withdrew, Julia relaxed a little more than I had planned.

She farted. Problem is, she didn't just fart. Farting I could deal with. You guessed it. Shit sprayed out of her arse like a fire hose. It went fucking everywhere. All over my stomach, legs and cock. All over the bed sheets and everywhere else in between.

"What the fuck!?" I screamed. Julia spun around with a look of complete terror on her face.

"Uh, ba......I." She stumbled and stuttered but didn't quite know what to say. I ran to the bathroom to get myself cleaned up. I could hear her crying in the bedroom but I was too pissed to go and comfort her. Plus the bitch was covered in shit. After I had gotten all of my girlfriend love shit off myself, I made my way through to the bedroom.
She threw herself at me screaming.

"This is your fault you motherfucker!" I was amazed. My fucking fault? I wasn't the one who had just sprayed shit all over the bedroom.

"What!?" I was stunned.

"You and your fucking "It'll be fine babe, you'll love it everyone's doing it!""

I gathered my shit together (man this story is full of them isn't it?) and headed for the door. I told Julia I would call her tomorrow and left.

It wasn't long after that that we decided maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. Although I would never hold that shit against her.

Friday the 13th

So at 12:30 this morning I get woken up by a loud snap and the sound of glass breaking, I guess a tree snapped in the wind and fell...so I get up to check on it and I see the damn tree, it fell on my car, the car I just bought 2 days ago.. so now my beautiful chrystler crossfire is smashed to shit, my insurance was cancelled cause i forgot to pay the bill, SO my car is totalled and I cant do shit about it. The city workers that came out said there isnt shit I can do and Im just screwed. So after they removed the tree (at 5am with chainsaws blasting hella loud and shit) I go back in the house to realize I left the fuckin iron on and it fell over and burned up my carpet that I just had cleaned last week for 250 fuckin dollars, so now I have a smashed car and a burn mark in the shape on an iron in the middle of my floor. So I call into work to tell them Im going to be late and as I explaining everything I get a call on the other line, its my bank.

great.
I have just been told that someone managed to get my information and steal my identity and various purchases were made that look suspicious, when I asked the amount I almost fainted when they told me..$22,355 was charged to my Visa account in 3 days, most of the purchases were made from some place in South Africa and some in New York...its gonna take a few weeks to clear it up yada yada yada. Just what I needed to hear, its not even 730 and I need a drink already.

So i managed to talk a friend into letting me use her car for the day,I catch the bus over in the pouring rain and make it to her place, shes got a broken leg so she isnt using the car. I thank her and head off to work, on the way out I slipped on her stairs in some slick mossy spot and fall forward, flat on my face, in front of her building, which is across the streets from a school..now all the kids are laughing as I pick myself up frm the ground, bleeding from the mouth.
Thats when I realize...i chipped my front tooth in half and now its starting to hurt like hell. I throw my bags in the trunk, my jacket is covered in water and dirt so i throw that in too and slam the trunk shut.

Fuck

the keys to the car were in my jacket.


Fuck this day
__________________

My Evil Neighbors

my evil neighbors...
So I've been having a problem with my upstairs neighbors making hella noise, throwing loud parties, just being hella disrespectful....I've tried knocking on their door but they never answer and just turn down the music for a little while...I've left notes asking them to keep it down.
It got to the point I had to call my complex security because it was 3 am and I felt like I was at a guns n roses concert from the noise, they never showed up and the operator treated me like I was just tripping too much. After several weeks of this I finally had enough, the apartment security wasn't doin shit after all my calls, they never responded to my notes, so finally I called the police one night and explained everything and they sent a cop out.....finally

So I tell the cop my story and the whole time I get the feeling he doesn't believe me, I tell him to check with the leasing office and security desk...he does and comes back and tells me there isn't much he can do legally and says we should go up and talk to the tenants together, I tell him I'm not inteested and don't want problems. That's when he gets real abrupt with me and says " no, this needs to be done, come with me sir"
Something in his voice told me just to get it over with....I mean I tried everything else.

We go up and knock, no answer...the cop knocks on the door harder,practically banging on the door....no answer.
We go back to the leasing office and ask if they can call the tenants to come out and talk, and they check their file for the apartment phone #....for some reason they can't find the file for that apartment.
They call their main office to get the number and the front desk lady quickly end the call with "are you sure?....that doesn't make sense"
She excuses her self, grabs her keys and says she'll be right back...

10 minutes later she returns with a strange look on her face...and asks us to come with her.
She takes us to the apartment and unlocks the door....we walk in and suddenly I lose all my breathe

The condo is abandoned with nothing but very old trash laying around, its clear this place hasn't been used in a LONG time, she tells me there is no power or phone lines running, and has been abandoned since the owners daughter comitted suicide, nobody has lived in there in at least 8 months. From the look of the place, that door hadn't been opened in a long time,dust and webs everywhere,no new trash or signs anyone had been in there in a while... I practically shit my pants. They haven't been able to track down the father who stopped coming around.

The noise only comes back every now and then, I hear footsteps walk across the floor when I go to the bathroom at night....shit is weird

Anyone else have something like this happen?

Time to hit the road Jack....

Time to hit the road Jack....
Well, the recession hits home and my job had to let me go..I was working at a hospital and got to see some really crazy shit in my time there, it was a quick stint into the medical field. I was working for the Emergency Dept and the Intensive Care unit (ICU) so I definitely got to see some pretty nasty and wild shit. I was doing admin work there so it wasnt really hands on.

Hospitals are pretty wild and crazy places to watch, theres a lot that it takes for a hospital to run efficiently and smoothly. The people that work there range from Pure Angels to just Bitter Bitches...some nurses are really dedicated and some are just there for the money.

(By the way..kids, if you are thinking of a career and dont mind a tons of blood and guts, an average RN makes $50-75 an hour and gets overtime up the ying yang, all it takes is 2 years of school and a little patience, you'd be making 100k annually in a few years)

some of the highlights were

-Bus drivers have a shitty occupation if they work in rough areas, we'd get 3 a week that have been assaulted, shot at, threated, spit on etc...most end up on anxiety meds and time off from work..I lost count of how many but drivers were threatened with guns or shot at...a lot of gang chose to do drive bys from buses...why would anyone want that many witnesses to a crime ?

-Riding in an elevator with a corpse is a humbling experience, life really is too short and you never know when your checking out-Watching 2 RN's have a knockdown dragout catfight in the middle of the Emergency Room and having to break it up.....and these people were hired to save you life...

-Some of those nurses were so damn cute, and knowing they all drove Benzes and Beamers and made at least 80k a year...maaaaaaaaaan! most are married, and the ones that werent looked like Hyenas on heroin...guys, if shes pretty, down to earth , you think you love her....and she has initals after her name...such as MD, RN,ESQ etc...consider keeping her. (unless those initals include FBI,CIA,*PD,DEA,etc)

.-All the free medical supplies I managed to "borrow" KY Jelly,toe tags, Latex gloves, syringes, (no I dont shoot dope but you never know when your going to need one lol), dr's forms, band aids, Biohazard bags...a bunch of useless crap basically..

- All the drunks that end up in the ER are hilarious, some tell great jokes and are funny, some are just looney bins on the verge of suicide, some just cry for hours....we'd get a lot of what are called 515o's, that the code for someone usually thinking of suicide or cannot care for themselves due to intoxication or mental disorder....its amazing how many people just blab about wanted to kill themselves to the police..to me thats either a cry for help or a cry for attention, the last think i want on my record is a 5150, is a surefire way for the police to be rough and cold with you....your basically labeled nuts.

My father had a 5250 on his record, when I was in a group home he musta been smoking a little too much of that Rick James and though people were hiding in the apartment and waiting to kill him...ole pops got paranoid and tripped out, called the cops and reported it, they searched the house..found nobody and arrested him....LOLa wise man once said "Cocaine is a helluva drug" ...and he was right.you would think that wopuld be enough to keep me away from such drugs eh?...pfffffffffff

-It takes a tough stomach to watch people puke,shit,bleed and piss all day....holidays are the worst, busy ass hell.See everyone wants to have family gatherings at Xmas and New Years and bring the whole family together, the whole family gets drunk, fights start (in some cases shootings occur,yes..people die at family reunions..you aint knowing? )and everyone ends up at the hospital for something...grandpas blood pressures up, Jr got a broken nose and scratches, the wife has a sprain ankle and is puking....crazy.

i dont know how nurses and doctors do it, i can look at rotten.com or gory pics all days and watch a marathon of Most Shocking, but when its real, and its really in your face and you hear the screams of pain and the gurgling of a tracheostomy, you see the tears from the family and patients, you feel the emotion....its tough. Walking past the morgue everyday was eerie and humbling, and knowing that no matter where I was in either department...hundred of peoples last vision was within the walls that surrounded me......

i could go on forever, but I think I should probably be doing something more productive, like finding a job right now. But the weed brownie I ate for breakfast just began talking to me, and its teeline that might not happen today.....lol


Musty